Achievements and Disappointments that pretty much sums up everyones lives. Well, last year ended pretty well and this year has started pretty well.
For the first time in my adult life I finished off last year with everyone of my bills paid up to date and on time. It took me years to finally be able to do that. I hate paying bills late! I felt like such a loser when I wouldn't budget well enough and fall behind on a bill or two or all of them! I even fell so far behind once it took me over a year to catch up. Being a single parent is tough enough without having to feed your kids spaghetti four days in a row because that's all that's left and you don't have any money to get something else. There should be a mandatory class for single parents teaching them how to live on next to nothing.
Anyway, I finally figured out how to live within my means. Not only did all the bills get paid, but with my tax return I paid off my credit cards and students loans and have enough left over to put some in a savings account! Hallelujah! I am officially debt free! I have had two weeks of stress free living. I haven't been worried about paying my bills or meeting my responsibilities. I have a plan for the year and I planned to stick to it.
Then, my landlord calls...someone has approached her about buying our house. It hasn't been a secret she would like to sell it but she wasn't advertising either. She was content to let us live here until my youngest graduated next spring. Then we were planning to look for a house or condo of our own. If figured by then my credit score would be high enough to qualify for a better rate and I would have a significant amount saved for a down payment.
I am stressed! I can feel anxiety creeping into my chest and mind. I don't want to move now. We're not ready yet. I am trying so hard to trust God and believe whatever happens is for our best, but moving now was not in my plan. An old saying comes to mind "Man plans, God laughs." I have to work very hard to be a flexible person. I know that sounds strange, but I don't roll with the punches, I don't get over things, I don't enjoy doing anything without a plan, and I don't change easily. I am a first born, list making, follow the plan of attack, large and in charge person. AND I DID NOT PLAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN NOW!
Okay, I feel better having said that. (Deep sigh - sighing is my way of pushing the mental reset button) I looked at the classifieds to see what's out there and now all I can do is wait. And pray. And trust it will all be okay. And it will be.
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
The Year Ends
So many unexpected happenings. How indeed did I get here? And do I want to go back? Not really.
Change one. My job. Or should I say the school almost closed. I've been a preschool teacher with this school for seventeen years. The school itself has been a ministry of the church it is now located in for over twenty-seven years. And suddenly last April the pastor announces they are joining a mega church and becoming our area's campus. The church we have been apart of for all this time will no longer exist and the new church doesn't want a preschool. But we could relocate if we want to. Easier said than done. You see we have to join another church to survive. As we are we cannot afford to be independent. To make the changes needed to do that would have meant losing teachers, increasing tuition, and sacrificing the quality of our program. We had until December 1st to find a new home. After two false starts with local churches we finally found one that not only said we could come, they were excited about us too! Our finial agreement was made the day before Thanksgiving. Thank God!
Change two. My son moved in with his dad, again. He did the same thing summer 2006 and begged to come home before school started. Said he would change and communicate more. It worked for awhile but then as summer arrived he started closing up again. And literally starting arguments for no reason other than his own bad mood. He wouldn't talk about what was wrong and lost his part time job. Then the day before school started he got mad at me over nothing important and moved in with his dad. He was there for three months. Didn't talk to me almost the whole time. Told everyone I wouldn't pay child support. Did I mention he's 18, and wouldn't get a job. Besides the fact I told his father to petition the court to change the support order when he picked him up. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and worthless. I couldn't believe the selfishness he was displaying. Then the Sunday before Thanksgiving he calls and says he wants to move back in. In truth his father kicked him out because he was causing problems at his house too. After a long afternoon of talking I tell him okay and we make up an agreement for his behavior and expectations. Which he is pretty much sticking to but he pushes it now and then.
Change three, four, and five. Two very dear friends died from cancer this spring and another friend's twin daughters were almost killed in a car accident. They spent close to three months in the hospital recovering. These three happened in the space of six weeks of each other. We were so shocked by these events it felt like we couldn't catch up. I ask my family to work out our problems and get back to being a family because life is too precious. My mother, brother and sister responded and we are closer. My father stopped talking to me. I also began spending more time with friends.
Change six. I confront my dad. He stopped talking to my brother two years ago and my sister this spring and then me this summer. So I write him a long e-mail because I have nothing to lose. I tell him I can't stand trying so hard all the time not to offend him and I can't believe he has never seen two of his grandchildren. And I want to scream you need to fix this!!! He writes back "I have stopped talking to everyone but my friends because they take time for me." Now let me just add here his parents, my grandparents, live ten miles from me. From the time I was fourteen I've known he comes to town to visit them and doesn't call to say "hi," doesn't stop in or say "let's all meet for a meal." I know this because he has seen friends of mine and asks them not to tell me they saw him. The only time we see him is if we go to him. Alright, long story short. He is now "talking" to me again. Not much, but on holidays. But is still not talking to my sister and brother.
Change seven. Instead of getting a summer job at a retail store, I babysit my nephew for the summer. I work long hours for little money. But the time I spent with the little guy is priceless. We spent six weeks playing, catching frogs, spraying each other with water, taking walks, playing catch, riding scooters, well you get the idea. He's two and now calls me about once a week and begs me to come over. So my sister and I are closer than ever.
Change eight. I'm starting a girls youth group. My kids were attending a youth group but the leaders decided to make a complete focus change (see Change one). My kids didn't feel connected to the new group. The old one was about relationships and getting closer to God, the new one is about getting more butts in the seats with things like pizza, video games, bouncy bounces, etc. and being taught by a video tape each week. The personal touch was completely lost. So my own church was willing to support the girls that felt misplaced and we're starting our own group. The boys will start later in the year.
As these things were happening I felt so alone. I questioned what God was doing. But every moment led to something more wonderful than before. The parts that aren't where they should be are still a work in progress. I want to know where they are going. For me going back would be a mistake. (Deep sigh) Everyday is a new challenge and each challenge gets me ready for something new.
Change one. My job. Or should I say the school almost closed. I've been a preschool teacher with this school for seventeen years. The school itself has been a ministry of the church it is now located in for over twenty-seven years. And suddenly last April the pastor announces they are joining a mega church and becoming our area's campus. The church we have been apart of for all this time will no longer exist and the new church doesn't want a preschool. But we could relocate if we want to. Easier said than done. You see we have to join another church to survive. As we are we cannot afford to be independent. To make the changes needed to do that would have meant losing teachers, increasing tuition, and sacrificing the quality of our program. We had until December 1st to find a new home. After two false starts with local churches we finally found one that not only said we could come, they were excited about us too! Our finial agreement was made the day before Thanksgiving. Thank God!
Change two. My son moved in with his dad, again. He did the same thing summer 2006 and begged to come home before school started. Said he would change and communicate more. It worked for awhile but then as summer arrived he started closing up again. And literally starting arguments for no reason other than his own bad mood. He wouldn't talk about what was wrong and lost his part time job. Then the day before school started he got mad at me over nothing important and moved in with his dad. He was there for three months. Didn't talk to me almost the whole time. Told everyone I wouldn't pay child support. Did I mention he's 18, and wouldn't get a job. Besides the fact I told his father to petition the court to change the support order when he picked him up. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and worthless. I couldn't believe the selfishness he was displaying. Then the Sunday before Thanksgiving he calls and says he wants to move back in. In truth his father kicked him out because he was causing problems at his house too. After a long afternoon of talking I tell him okay and we make up an agreement for his behavior and expectations. Which he is pretty much sticking to but he pushes it now and then.
Change three, four, and five. Two very dear friends died from cancer this spring and another friend's twin daughters were almost killed in a car accident. They spent close to three months in the hospital recovering. These three happened in the space of six weeks of each other. We were so shocked by these events it felt like we couldn't catch up. I ask my family to work out our problems and get back to being a family because life is too precious. My mother, brother and sister responded and we are closer. My father stopped talking to me. I also began spending more time with friends.
Change six. I confront my dad. He stopped talking to my brother two years ago and my sister this spring and then me this summer. So I write him a long e-mail because I have nothing to lose. I tell him I can't stand trying so hard all the time not to offend him and I can't believe he has never seen two of his grandchildren. And I want to scream you need to fix this!!! He writes back "I have stopped talking to everyone but my friends because they take time for me." Now let me just add here his parents, my grandparents, live ten miles from me. From the time I was fourteen I've known he comes to town to visit them and doesn't call to say "hi," doesn't stop in or say "let's all meet for a meal." I know this because he has seen friends of mine and asks them not to tell me they saw him. The only time we see him is if we go to him. Alright, long story short. He is now "talking" to me again. Not much, but on holidays. But is still not talking to my sister and brother.
Change seven. Instead of getting a summer job at a retail store, I babysit my nephew for the summer. I work long hours for little money. But the time I spent with the little guy is priceless. We spent six weeks playing, catching frogs, spraying each other with water, taking walks, playing catch, riding scooters, well you get the idea. He's two and now calls me about once a week and begs me to come over. So my sister and I are closer than ever.
Change eight. I'm starting a girls youth group. My kids were attending a youth group but the leaders decided to make a complete focus change (see Change one). My kids didn't feel connected to the new group. The old one was about relationships and getting closer to God, the new one is about getting more butts in the seats with things like pizza, video games, bouncy bounces, etc. and being taught by a video tape each week. The personal touch was completely lost. So my own church was willing to support the girls that felt misplaced and we're starting our own group. The boys will start later in the year.
As these things were happening I felt so alone. I questioned what God was doing. But every moment led to something more wonderful than before. The parts that aren't where they should be are still a work in progress. I want to know where they are going. For me going back would be a mistake. (Deep sigh) Everyday is a new challenge and each challenge gets me ready for something new.
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