The Year Ends

So many unexpected happenings. How indeed did I get here? And do I want to go back? Not really.

Change one. My job. Or should I say the school almost closed. I've been a preschool teacher with this school for seventeen years. The school itself has been a ministry of the church it is now located in for over twenty-seven years. And suddenly last April the pastor announces they are joining a mega church and becoming our area's campus. The church we have been apart of for all this time will no longer exist and the new church doesn't want a preschool. But we could relocate if we want to. Easier said than done. You see we have to join another church to survive. As we are we cannot afford to be independent. To make the changes needed to do that would have meant losing teachers, increasing tuition, and sacrificing the quality of our program. We had until December 1st to find a new home. After two false starts with local churches we finally found one that not only said we could come, they were excited about us too! Our finial agreement was made the day before Thanksgiving. Thank God!

Change two. My son moved in with his dad, again. He did the same thing summer 2006 and begged to come home before school started. Said he would change and communicate more. It worked for awhile but then as summer arrived he started closing up again. And literally starting arguments for no reason other than his own bad mood. He wouldn't talk about what was wrong and lost his part time job. Then the day before school started he got mad at me over nothing important and moved in with his dad. He was there for three months. Didn't talk to me almost the whole time. Told everyone I wouldn't pay child support. Did I mention he's 18, and wouldn't get a job. Besides the fact I told his father to petition the court to change the support order when he picked him up. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and worthless. I couldn't believe the selfishness he was displaying. Then the Sunday before Thanksgiving he calls and says he wants to move back in. In truth his father kicked him out because he was causing problems at his house too. After a long afternoon of talking I tell him okay and we make up an agreement for his behavior and expectations. Which he is pretty much sticking to but he pushes it now and then.

Change three, four, and five. Two very dear friends died from cancer this spring and another friend's twin daughters were almost killed in a car accident. They spent close to three months in the hospital recovering. These three happened in the space of six weeks of each other. We were so shocked by these events it felt like we couldn't catch up. I ask my family to work out our problems and get back to being a family because life is too precious. My mother, brother and sister responded and we are closer. My father stopped talking to me. I also began spending more time with friends.

Change six. I confront my dad. He stopped talking to my brother two years ago and my sister this spring and then me this summer. So I write him a long e-mail because I have nothing to lose. I tell him I can't stand trying so hard all the time not to offend him and I can't believe he has never seen two of his grandchildren. And I want to scream you need to fix this!!! He writes back "I have stopped talking to everyone but my friends because they take time for me." Now let me just add here his parents, my grandparents, live ten miles from me. From the time I was fourteen I've known he comes to town to visit them and doesn't call to say "hi," doesn't stop in or say "let's all meet for a meal." I know this because he has seen friends of mine and asks them not to tell me they saw him. The only time we see him is if we go to him. Alright, long story short. He is now "talking" to me again. Not much, but on holidays. But is still not talking to my sister and brother.

Change seven. Instead of getting a summer job at a retail store, I babysit my nephew for the summer. I work long hours for little money. But the time I spent with the little guy is priceless. We spent six weeks playing, catching frogs, spraying each other with water, taking walks, playing catch, riding scooters, well you get the idea. He's two and now calls me about once a week and begs me to come over. So my sister and I are closer than ever.

Change eight. I'm starting a girls youth group. My kids were attending a youth group but the leaders decided to make a complete focus change (see Change one). My kids didn't feel connected to the new group. The old one was about relationships and getting closer to God, the new one is about getting more butts in the seats with things like pizza, video games, bouncy bounces, etc. and being taught by a video tape each week. The personal touch was completely lost. So my own church was willing to support the girls that felt misplaced and we're starting our own group. The boys will start later in the year.

As these things were happening I felt so alone. I questioned what God was doing. But every moment led to something more wonderful than before. The parts that aren't where they should be are still a work in progress. I want to know where they are going. For me going back would be a mistake. (Deep sigh) Everyday is a new challenge and each challenge gets me ready for something new.

Hello, my name is Lucy, you fooled me, prepare to die!

I have been fooled and I am a hopeless romantic! My son who loves me, gave me The Princess Bride DVD and book set for Christmas. I was so excited. I love this story always have and couldn't wait to watch it again and read the book. When my children's friends come over we eventually ask if they have seen it and if not we all sit down to watch. The majority of them love, love, love the story, too.

Well, I began reading the book and telling my kids as we go along that The Princess Bride is real! I tell them all these "facts" I am learning. Inigo really was the greatest fencer ever. Andre the Giant actually climbed the Cliffs of Insanity to prepare for the role. Steven King was asked to write the sequel. On and on I went for two days.

He talks about how he first heard the story and shared it with his son and grandson. At this point my kids say "hey, didn't he write that for his daughters?" (I heard that one in an interview with the author, so that one I actually think is true) I didn't listen I just got a little confused and kept believing every printed word. I even thought wouldn't it be great to go visit all the places he visited to do research. So I go online and here is where I realize the truth.

None of it is true! There is no castle, no Cliffs of Insanity, no farm, no Princess. Sigh. How I wished it were true. I am just a romantic and always will be.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. Every year my son loves to wake us up at an unGodly hour and beg to open presents. He's going to be 19 soon, but he's still at it. He wants everyone to get up at 6AM! I told him to forget about it and my daughter did too. But it's now 6PM and I'm getting excited I want to put out the presents, I want to see them open their presents. How am I going to sleep tonight?! I can hardly wait for tomorrow!

On the other hand, Katie and John's dad flaked out on them again. He hasn't called all month and Katie has been trying to get a hold of him every few days. He isn't going to take time to see them for Christmas and he didn't get them any gifts. But he did get his live in girlfriend's four kids gifts. Katie caught him lying about it today and burst into tears. John was so pissed he tired to call him and let him have it but no one would answer to phone. Katie keeps saying she has a deadbeat dad. But he's paying child support. As far as he is concerned he thinks he's a great dad.

I hate that man.

A Time Of Hope

Today my four year old classes had their Christmas pageants. The children dressed as angels, Mary, Joseph and the 3 wise men. They sang songs for their parents and afterward we all had snack time together. Watching the children sing always brings tears to my eyes. Christmas music is so uplifting to me. I love to fill my home with traditional carols, instrumentals, modern music, almost any type of Christmas music just plain fills me with joy.

I find such hope during the Christmas season now. For years I would become so depressed as fall gave way to winter. Watching the leaves turn, the weather become bitter cold and forcing us indoors always filled me with a sense of loss. As if there was so much I should have done and didn't. I would have anxiety attacks and spend hours crying. But I never really knew what it was I had not done. That's changed now.

I contribute my changes to my belief in God and finding the church I mentioned in my last post. I have begun to believe God really loves me as I am. There are no rules to follow or magic words to say. He loves me. He knew knew me before I was born and He knew how I would get where I am now and He knows where I am going and what I will do. Believing that alone has changed so much for me. I actually want to read the bible, pray, be a blessing to others and live a life devoted to God. Not because someone told me to, but because I want to.

I am definitely not a holier than thou type. I still screw up, swear, get angry, and sin (you'll see that if you continue to read my blogs). But I believe now God loves me at my worst moment and wants the best for me at all times. I spent so many years feeling bad about what I did wrong and the mistakes I'd made. And all it was was wasted time.

Now Christmas is a time of JOY! A time of hope! There is more to come and it will be good (even when it seems terrible). The past years have taught me so much and I am in a unique place to help those who are struggling just to survive. I learned my lessons the hard way and I plan to pass them on to anyone that wants to learn. My life is a blessing! Each and every day is a chance to help someone else. I take the love in me and pass it on. They don't have to accept it or believe what I believe, but I will still offer it. Because I don't want anyone to live with the despair that once held me. And almost made me believe I was worthless.

Friends

I've been on my own for many, many years. I have family around and they love us but they aren't hands on. I rely more on friends.

One close friend was married but her husband commuted during the week. We spent many evenings at their house, having dinner together to save money, my children playing with her twin girls and the two of us keeping each other company and keeping each other sane! Eventually they moved closer to his work but too far for us to get together often.

A year later an older friend's son got married and when they moved back to the area the new wife picked me to be her new friend. She called me at least once a week and invited us to come over to watch movies and eat. After awhile I started calling them. My kids adored her husband and he loved them too. Eventually they became Aunt Allie and Uncle Justin.

After a few years it was clear they couldn't have children and they became foster parents to Micah, a boy with special needs who was a year younger than Katie. We all moved into a two family house and began life as a truly unique family. I watched Micah during the summer breaks and Allie watched John and Katie while I took night classes at the local community college. They helped me out when I didn't have enough and I helped them out when they didn't have enough. We ate together, went on vacations together, joined the YMCA together, we did a lot together. Then they moved away.

Sixteen hours away, to be near Allie's mother. Allie hated our area and they had been talking about leaving for many, many years. But the final decision was made when it was made clear to them that they would never be able to adopt Micah. We were all devastated. My kids and I could not bear the thought of Micah disappearing from our lives so we became a foster family and he moved in with us. He lived with us for almost two years. We even were able to take him to see Allie and Justin a few times.

Suddenly, one afternoon Micah was released for adoption. His mother told him she would sign over her rights and he could go to live with Allie and Justin. This was always our hope but we were told she would ever give him up without a court order. He had been in foster care for almost eight years by then. Three months later Allie and Justin packed all of Micah's things into their car and took him home. We were devastated, again.

Allie and I still talk several times a week and we see them a few times a year. Justin always asks when I'm going to move close to them. In truth I would have done just that if my family wasn't here. But I couldn't bear to be far from my nephews and nieces.

After they left I began attending a new church. They concentrate on being a multi-generational congregation and meeting the needs of everyone who comes in the door. They embraced us with open arms and our wounds began to heal. Everyone takes time each week to talk not just to me but to my kids. Right now they are the only teens between 14 and 19. The adults want them to know they are an important part of the church and are loved. I joined a book club within the church and found my newest friends. A core group of about five women and a larger group of over ten. Most of us are single, for one reason or another. And we all have something to offer and to gain by being part of the group. We are each other's support and family.

I look back and see I have been really blessed to have some wonderful people in my life. People who have contributed to my life and my children's lives. Making us better for knowing them. Thank you to all of them. I hope you have people like these in your lives as well. They are irreplaceable.

About me

I'm Lucy. HI, nice to meet you! I've been keeping a journal for years and always thought people would find out about the real me after I died. Until I discovered Blogging. Now, it doesn't matter if anyone reads this but at least I now have an outlet and maybe someone will want to hear what I think.

Who am I? Well a lot of things. I'm in my mid thirties, a single parent, overweight, overworked and underpaid. I believe in God and go to church. I'm a sister, a daughter and a granddaughter. I am fiercely loyal to those I care about and I am a good judge of character. I'm not a pushover and I will not sit back and put up with bull@*&%. However, I am diplomatic and don't try to start problems. I want peace to reign over my life and those around me.

My children are the driving force of my life. I have two;John is eighteen and Katie is sixteen. My decisions are ultimately based on how something will affect them. My children's friends all love to hang at our house (my kids love that) and most of them call me mom (I like that). Most adults I know find kids annoying. Especially teens, but I love having them around. Most of them don't have anyone to talk to about their problems. And the people who do talk to them give them the "right" answers, not the real answers. That's what I do, I give them real answers with the understanding that I won't tell anyone what is said unless someone is in real trouble.

If you know basic math you can tell I was a teen mom. I got married right after high school graduation and had a baby six and a half months later. A word of advice, never leave you teens home alone while you go on vacation. Even the most responsible teenager will consider having a party and possibly make life altering decisions while under the influence of alcohol.

I was married to my ex for seven years. The last four of which he cheated on me, lost his well paying job, sat on his butt for months, and eventually when back to work as a short order cook at a local college making minimum wage and no tips. Shortly thereafter he left me for a woman my mother referred to as The Neck. Her neck had to be at least twenty inches around. But as the ex said "I'm not with her cause of the way she looks. She's a good person." This good neck wrote me a letter and told me everything about their relationship, including dates and that I should move on with my life. Can we say stupid! The letter should have gotten me everything I wanted in the divorce. But he didn't have anything anymore. Because he was a short order cook with mounds of unpaid bills, all in his name. So instead I opted for custody of the kids and for him to take full responsibility for our financial woes. Hallelujah, the bills are now his problem! I really don't know if he ever paid those bills back in full.

That was all years ago and I try to leave it there. I survived, but that's another blog.