A Time Of Hope

Today my four year old classes had their Christmas pageants. The children dressed as angels, Mary, Joseph and the 3 wise men. They sang songs for their parents and afterward we all had snack time together. Watching the children sing always brings tears to my eyes. Christmas music is so uplifting to me. I love to fill my home with traditional carols, instrumentals, modern music, almost any type of Christmas music just plain fills me with joy.

I find such hope during the Christmas season now. For years I would become so depressed as fall gave way to winter. Watching the leaves turn, the weather become bitter cold and forcing us indoors always filled me with a sense of loss. As if there was so much I should have done and didn't. I would have anxiety attacks and spend hours crying. But I never really knew what it was I had not done. That's changed now.

I contribute my changes to my belief in God and finding the church I mentioned in my last post. I have begun to believe God really loves me as I am. There are no rules to follow or magic words to say. He loves me. He knew knew me before I was born and He knew how I would get where I am now and He knows where I am going and what I will do. Believing that alone has changed so much for me. I actually want to read the bible, pray, be a blessing to others and live a life devoted to God. Not because someone told me to, but because I want to.

I am definitely not a holier than thou type. I still screw up, swear, get angry, and sin (you'll see that if you continue to read my blogs). But I believe now God loves me at my worst moment and wants the best for me at all times. I spent so many years feeling bad about what I did wrong and the mistakes I'd made. And all it was was wasted time.

Now Christmas is a time of JOY! A time of hope! There is more to come and it will be good (even when it seems terrible). The past years have taught me so much and I am in a unique place to help those who are struggling just to survive. I learned my lessons the hard way and I plan to pass them on to anyone that wants to learn. My life is a blessing! Each and every day is a chance to help someone else. I take the love in me and pass it on. They don't have to accept it or believe what I believe, but I will still offer it. Because I don't want anyone to live with the despair that once held me. And almost made me believe I was worthless.